In this talk the somewhat biased Apache Spark PMC Holden will explore the times when using Spark is more likely to lead to disappointment and pages than success and promotions. We'll, of course, look at places where Spark can excel but also explore heuristics like if it fits in Excel double check if you need Spark. By using Spark only when it's truly beneficial you can demonstrate that elusive "thought leadership" that always seems to be required for the next level of promotion. We'll explore how some of Spark's largest disadvantages are changing, but also which ones are likely to stick around -- allowing you to seem like you have a magic tech eightball next time someone asks you to design your analytics strategy. Come for a place to sit after lunch and stay for the OOM therapy.